Just Another Notes Story
by JacobHasManTitties
Summary: The title says it. This is just another notes story. It's supposed to be funny, random and rather sexual. Will Bella&Alice&Edward&Emmett be able to take over the world and enlargen team porn? Obviously OOC... Read or die.
1. Mike's A Perve!

**A/N: Okay, so i was bored and i felt like writing something to post, and since i really don't have the patience to write a proper story, i started a notes story. yes, i know that notes aren't very original, and yes, like in other notes stories, the characters are extremely OOC. but anyway, enjoy.**

**Hmm, this has a fair bit of sexual references.**

**Disclaimer: i'm only stephenie meyer in my mind. mann, i'm hell cool. actually i'm not her in my mind, but i'm sure you understand what i'm trying to say.**

* * *

Bella **Mike **_Jessica_

Hey Mike, I'm bored, wanna have sex?

**Aren't you like engaged or something?**

Oh yeah I spose I am... well, Edward always tells me to go have normal babies.

**...Normal?**

YEAH, EDWARD HAS MUTANT SPERM. IT'S PURPLE.

**You would know... So you still wanna have sex?**

NO, you perv, get away from me!

I'm pointing at him 'cause he's a perv!

**Bella, you have to say it out loud for Jess to hear it.**

_HEAR WHAT?_

Mike's a perv!!

_Yeah, I know. He winked at my mom the other day..._

**WHAT? I thought that was your sister?**

_I don't have a sister -sobs-_

Awww it's okay, you can have mine.

**Uh bella, you don't have a sister either.**

I do in my mind.

**oookay...**

Right now in my mind, she's glaring at you.

**What? What did I do to deserve a glare from your sister?**

What sister?

**The one... nevermind.**

Fish sticks.

**What?**

I SEEM TO HAVE EATEN MY SHOE.

**...Your shoe's gone?**

Can you smell the shoe in my breath? -breathes on Mike-

**I can't smell it when you write it down...**

Try harder.

**... Still nothing.**

Well that sucks. Maybe it's YOU that smells like shoe.

**Oh yeah, yesterday I tried to wear my shoe as pants.**

COOL, I WANNA TRY!

**No, really you don't. It hurt my balls.**

Can I hurt your balls too?

**You can do whatever you want to my balls ;)**

Chop them off?

**With what..?**

MY IMAGINARY KNIFE.

**Uh, maybe later... so anyway, do you wanna come over to my house tonight?**

YOU HAVE A HOUSE?

**Uh yeah, that's where I live.**

Oh okay. I live in a pineapple under the sea.

**You're not a sponge...**

BOB!

**So do you want to or not?**

No, I'm busy.

**Busy doing what?**

Cooking Charlie for dinner and doing homework and doing Edward.

**You're cooking Charlie for dinner? You into cannibalism now or something? ...doing Edward?**

Woops, I meant... um. I meant something that wasn't that. But yeah I was ALWAYS into cannibalism.

**What?**

Yes.

**Umm okay, I'm gonna go now...**

Don't you love me anymore?

HEY, come back!

Now I'm bored again. Oh look, a sock!

* * *

**Hope that wasn't too retarded. The sad thing is that I'm Australian and for some reason I often type mOm. Reviews please? s2**


	2. Edwin

**Disclaimerdisclaimerdisclaimer: i'm not pro enough to own anything.**

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Bella_** Charlie**_** Edward**

_**Why am I using notes as a form of communication?**_

They're the way of the future!

_**Okay. Is Edward coming over tonight?**_

You mean Edwin?

_**No... Edward.**_

I don't know who you're talking about...

_**Your boyfriend?**_

My fuck buddy?

_**BELLA! Are you being safe?**_

Dad, I'm a virgo.

_**I know that, you're my daughter.**_

How scandalous.

_**Have you done your homework?**_

I have homework?! Why wasn't I informed of this?

_**Umm, I'd better go answer the door.**_

EDWINNNNNNNNNN!

**Remind me again why I'm dressed like a nerd.**

Because... I told you to.

**But why did you tell me to?**

Because I love you.

**I love you too Bella, but that doesn't answer my question.**

_**You love Bella? Hey, me too! Let's be friends.**_

Dad, go away. No one wants to be your friend, ever.

_**Well, I know when I'm not wanted... -sulks-**_

Aww Eddie you look adorable with glasses.

**Yeah I thought so too. Maybe I'll wear them more often. Like forever.**

When I was little I had this doll with glasses and it was so cute.

**Are you comparing me to a little kid's doll?**

Yeah. The similarity is that I can play with both.

**Bella...**

Yes Edwin?

**Why am I wearing a dinosaur tail?**

All the cool nerds do it nowadays!

**I don't think there's such thing as a cool nerd.**

There is now!

**In that case, would you care to join me in cool nerd-dom?**

NEVERRRRRR, I would never be caught dead with a nerd!

**...You don't want to be with me when you're dead?**

No. Why would I want to do that?

**Because. You love me?**

Oh yeah, that's right.

**Hmm**

-prods- Now is when you're mean't to say 'rawr!'

**RAWR!**

Yay, I be teaching you well.

**Teaching me what exactly?**

Everything you'd ever need to know to freak people out.

**Or I could just bite someone...**

ooh, ME PLEASE

_**No, don't bite her! Only I'm allowed to do that!**_

Uh dad... no.

_**What? I wanna be a cool cat too!**_

Did you just call me a cat?

_**Umm, yes I guess I did.**_

COOL! I HAVE A TAIL.

**And what a beautiful tail it is too.**

_**Bellllla, stop ticklung mee with yur tail!**_

That's not my tail, it's a knife.

_**Oh, I was wondering why it was pointy.**_

You're bleeding!

_**Oh, that's what the pink stuff is.**_

It's red...

_**Not anymore!**_

Edward, stop licking your lips, it's not dinner time!

**Oh sorry, my lips were, uh, dry.**

Maybe I could change that for you ;)

_**Ahem, bleeding here,**_

That's not blood, it's creaming soda.

_**Are you sure? -tastes it- oh. I see.**_

**Umm, he has blood on his pants.**

_**OH NO, I HAVE MY PERIOD!**_

Only girls have periods, so unless there's something you haven't told us...

_**I was a girl once. Back in 1969.**_

How coincidental

**HIS ANUS IS BLEEDING!**

Dad, what have you been shoving up there?

_**Toy truck.**_

Okay, I don't even wanna know...

* * *

**Yeah so this is pretty much just me having an imaginary conversation that leads to nowhere in particular.. yes, it sucks.**


	3. Team Porn

**Disclaimer: in one chapter i'm definately not going to suddenly gain ownership of this stuff.**

* * *

Bella _Alice _**Edward**

_Luke, i am your father._

I'm Bella.

_Are you sure?_

Fairly.

_I think you need a new name.._

...Yoda.

_Too old._

THE HULK!

_Um, no Bella no. What is it about random green creatures?_

They camouflage!

_I see..._

Let's search for names on google!

_HAHAHAH._

What?

_I just saw what we are going to search for!_

:o

_-types in 'Alice pornstar'-_

That was fast..

_Vampire, remember?_

WHAT? I thought you were Batman.

_I'm not a man... or a bat._

Sure you aren't .

_..Names?_

Alice SPRINGS! Hahaha!

_ZOMG, I'M A PLACE!_

And a pornstar!

_Yaaay, I'm cool. :)_

DO ME NOW!

_Bella, you know how wrong that sounds on so many different levels..._

DO ME DO ME!

_-types in 'Bella pornstar'-_

HOLY SHIT. BELLA MARIE WOLF. Someone stole my name. Except then they changed Swan to Wolf.

_Are you sure that's not really you?_

Yes, I am sure. My naked pictures never made it to the internet! Hey, I guess now we're enemies and Edward can't be with me -cries-

_Shun the wolf!_

Hey, but at least I'm hot!

_-pretends to touch Bella- ouch, that you are._

Hey, maybe one day I'll be promoted to a unicorn!

_Yes, then you can be HORNy!_

We're punny.

_Anyway, we don't have to be enemies, we're pornstar buddies!_

Yay, I've always wanted a pornstar buddy. Ever since I was castrated.

_What?_

Woops, sorry. I meant ever since I was born.

_Oh._

Edward must join ussssssss. We must recruit all and take over the world with our hypothetical pornstar ways!

_Oooh, I like this idea. Do we get to go shopping for outfits?_

No silly, pornstars don't NEED outfits!

_Hehe. Okay, but whatever you do, don't wear your 'outfit' to school. It is likely that Mike Newton will.. um.. enjoy himself._

HE'S A PERV!

_No you're a perv._

Only when it's concerning Edward.

_Oooh, he's curious about this, he'll come through the door in a few seconds._

**Bella?**

Yes Edwin?

**Um I forgot. MARRY ME?**

I already did. And that's why you need to join our elite squad of pornstars.

**Um, what? -reads Alice's mind- OH. Do I have to?**

Edwin must obey!

**Well okay then.**

_-types in 'Edward pornstar'-_

I dob thee Ed Powers!

**Hmm, I suppose that's not too bad...**

Not too bad? QUICK, FIND ANOTHER ONE.

**No no, I meant, it's terrible!**

Much better.

**So, if I'm Ed Powers, does that mean I can be in some cheesy British film about a dorky spy guy with glasses that has an obsession with 'shagging' any girl he meets?**

Nooooo! You're mine.

_..We need a group name._

Yeah, any group of pornstars determined to take over the world deserve a name!

_We beith team porn!_

Okay, that's a name easy enough for me to remember, even with my bad human memory!

**Team porn. Fabulous.**

Hey, where's all the enthusiasm?

**Your mom.**

Yeah, I spose she is pretty enthusiastic about stuff.

**Damn, that didn't work.**

It's okay, we still love you!

_Speak for yourself._

**:o**

_My pornstar senses are tingling._

OH, I don't wanna know. Go get Jasper or something!

_That's not what I meant. Anyway, my pornstar senses are telling me that we MUST buy outfits._

But –

_Some leather perhaps?_

Then I can smell like shoes too!

**What?**

My name is Bella Marie Wolf and I live in a giant shoe!

**Can another person fit?**

Define person.

_Little wrinkly green creature with big bat ears and a walking stick._

**Yoda is not a person...**

_Huh? I was describing you, Edward!_

It was a very accurate description!

**Gee thanks. -sulks-**

_To the mall we go!_

_

* * *

_

**You see, this one time, me and my friend izzy got bored so we typed our names + pornstar into google. We found some random pornstars' names an now we have team porn names ;D. I am marli jane and she is isabel ice s2, & there is also courtney devine and jessica drake.**


	4. Emmett Joins Team Porn

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. How depressing.**

* * *

Bella **Edward **_Alice _Emmett _**Jasper **__Rosalie_

Aliceeeeeeeeee. I can understand that the skimpy pieces of leather and chains are our outfits, but why the hell did you get whips and handcuffs?

_Uh, I thought we needed some to take over the world. And if we didn't, I thought maybe you and Edward could use them._

But Edward doesn't want to have sex with me. I think he might be gay.

_Hmm... That thought has crossed my mind a fair few times in the past 50 years. But normally when he heard that in my thoughts, he'd go pick up a random whore and have his way with them to prove me wrong._

Uhhhhhhh.

_Don't worry, he doesn't need a whore now. He has you._

Does that mean I'm better than a whore?

_Um, you ARE a whore._

Thank you, you just confirmed my suspicions.

_That you're a whore?_

Yes. I had a feeling I might be one ever since I had sex with Charlie.

_omgwtfbbq_

I was kiddingggg. As if I would have sex with Charlie; I'm a lesbian. -rofls-

* * *

**Bella, why are you rolling on the floor?**

I'm getting dirty for you!

ROFL. -starts rofling-

_Let's all join the roflcopter!_

/While they are all 'rofling', Alice has a vision and gets up./

_Hahaha, that gorilla suit suits you._

Hey, why does that make you all immediately look at me? ...It was meant to be a secret -mumbles-

Who else would it be? Edward?

_HAHA, EDWARD IN A GORILLA SUIT._

So, Emmett, come join our forces!

Bob the Builder forces? -puts on invisible builders' hat-

BOB, the builder

_CAN WE FIX IT?_

BOB THE BUILDERRRR

**Yes we can...**

Edward, where's your enthusiasm?

**Your mom! I thought we'd already been through this... -grumpy face-**

Awww, he's grumpy. I'll give you a cookie :)

**Animal cookie? -sparkly eyes-**

Anything for Ed Powers.

_Speaking of Ed Powers, Emmett needs a name._

Name for what?

Nameforyourpenis.

Oh, it already has a name. I called him Mr. Floppy.

Haha, floppy. Aren't you meant to be a vampire, Emmett?

-is ashamed- but still, it's a awesome name..

_You need a name is for team porn._

o.O what's team porn?

Our elite squad!

**Which for some reason I'm in...**

Oh I see. Well, I'm in; if it has 'porn' in it, it must be pretty good.

_-nods- I am Alice Springs. There's a desert inside me!_

Oh, that's hot.

I beith Bella Marie Wolf

**And I am thy mighty Ed Powers!**

_And together, we are..._

TEAM PORN!

Cool, can I be the Hulk?

HEY! That's what I said!

_I think Emily the Strange would be more fitting hemcough_

Hey, I'm not the emo, that's Jasper! And are you saying that Mr. Floppy doesn't exist? He's gonna need counselling for this...

Yeahh, obviously you're a girl.

**Haha, Rosalie's gay.**

_What's this?! DIE! -shouts Pokemon theme song in head-_

**Noooo**

_Oh woops, I forgot you're already dead._

DEAD WARS!

_Hell yah. Let's invite Jesus!_

I feel excluded -sad face-

_You should. No one likes you._

I love you too, Rose.

_Sif I said I love you..._

Yeah I know. Sarcasm.

_Well sorry but I can't find sarcasm in text..._

-pouts-

**Yay, she's gone.**

/Meanwhile, Emmett & Alice are trying to contact Jesus to invite him to their dead wars. They ask the phone operator to put them through to him but the person thinks they're kidding and hangs up the phone./

_What a bitch._

There's no way we're letting her join Team Porn.

_Hey, can we go to the mall again? Emmett needs an outfit for said team._

No! I already have several outfits suitable for wearing in our force. Uh, Rosalie and I are very... active, if you know what I mean ;)

**Ugh, can you please stop picturing Rosalie naked?**

Oh sorry. -thinks about something else.- Better?

**NO! I don't want to see you naked either...**

Oh cmon, you know you like it.

_Yeah... Jasper does._

OH. I thought it was kinda weird that Jasper keeps sending me horniness.

_**Hey baby, you free tonight? ;)**_

_Yeah, I am._

_**Wtf, I was talking to Emmett.**_

**Well that's not disturbing or anything...**

Sorry babe but I have to go to the cemetery tonight and dig up dead bodies. I was gonna put them in the school cafeteria, spelling out 'she must be the davel.' **(A/N: devil)**

_I'm not a davel... :(_

**I am.**

with REALLY BIG horns.

_No Bella, you must be thinking of bulls._

-pouts-

_-sings- Do you believe in a thing called davel love?_

**I don't think that's how that song goes...**

_It is now... Muahahahahaha_

-is scared of Alice and her freaky written laugh-

Wow, I was expecting everyone to volunteer to help me tonight. It's gonna be heaps of fun.

**Uh, no thanks...**

But... CEMETERY!

Gee that sounds tempting.

I KNOW!! Would you guys come if I let you bury me in coffin?

_Now THAT is a must see event._

Then you'd be like the vampires in myths. Minus the sleeping part.

**It's not like we haven't seen Emmett in coffins often enough. You should be glad you haven't seen him AND Rosalie in coffins together...**

That's a good idea Edward; I'll make Rose come with me.

_I don't see why we can't just use the bed..._

I'm sick of the bed, we've used it so many times.

_What about unsuspecting random children's' beds?_

Too small, we need lots of space, if you know what I mean. Ooh ooh aah aah.

Nice gorilla sounds. Hey Emmett, why do you whisper the stuff you write as you're writing it?

Dramatic effects.

* * *

**Izzy **_xxiggi44_** did some of this. She is pretty cool s2.  
****And it's sad I have to use the asian heart cause the normal heart doesn't work right :(  
****I spose I can say (L)**


	5. Emo Wars

**Disclaimer: I will never ever own anything. Not the characters, not Dora the Explorer, not South Park, not Teletubbies and not any other characters/TV shows I have referred to in past chapters and will refer to in future chapters.**

* * *

Bella _**Jasper **__Alice _

_**Today I walked past this dead person and they were like really sad, so now I'm sad and shiz.**_

I CHALLENGE YOU TO AN EMO WAR.

_**I don't really feeeeel like it... I'm too depressed right now. That dead person makes me wanna slit my wrists but like I can't cause I'm a vampire.**_

...I bet I can cry more tears than you.

_**I'll agree to that because I'm not paying attention to you cause I'm so sad.**_

I'm pretending that the teletubbies were taken off the air forever -starts crying.- I WIN!

_**What? The teletubbies are gone? Now I'm like even sadder. My life is meaningless now.**_

_Hey! What about me?_

_**But like the teletubbies were my life, man. Like their bums jiggle when they run and their colours brightened my black world.**_

_Well sorry I'm not fat or multicoloured enough for you... I could go jump in a tank of colourful paint if that would help..._

_**No, nothing can help me now. My life is overrrrr. I'm an empty shell.**_

Uh, no. An empty shell is what the crab people leave when they melt.

_Kinda like a snowman but with a shell?_

Yeahh. I wish I was a snowman. I could wear one of those cool hats.

_Omigosh I wish I had one of those hats._

Hey Jasper, since I won our emo wars, you have to go buy me and Alice those funky hats. Oh, get some of those ones with glitter on them too.

_**Oooh, glitter! I'm suddenly feeling much better! I love the way that stuff sticks to Alice's body. -drools-**_

heyyy, you're getting venom on my shoes.

_Would you like me to lick it off for you?_

Yes, that would be pleasant.

_**o.O**_

aah, that tickles!

_**You know that by Alice licking your shoes clean, you're just getting more venom on them, right?**_

touché

_**Swiper, no swiping!**_

Alice really shouldn't let you watch so much Dora the Explorer...

_**You have one, two shoes.**_

You are very observant.

_Yeah, he notices when my bra strap is one millimetre crooked._

_**Over the mountain and into the cave!**_

-raises eyebrow- ...what kind of cave?

_**Alice's cave of course. It has bats in it.**_

Hey, mine too.

_Be careful you don't get lost inside the cave..._

_**You might just get eaten by the bats. That happens to me often.**_

...We're not talking about bats and caves, are we?

_nooope. I thought you'd caught on as soon as he said cave._

hm. So, we're talking about your wardrobe, right? It's so big!

_No, Bella. Just for that you're getting a makeover._

Nooooooooo!

_**Crap, now I'm sad again.**_

I don't think I can bear to live anymore if you keep giving me makeovers.

_Too bad. I have no other guinea pigs._

_**come on Bella, let's go jump off a cliff.**_

Waaah, I did that once and I nearly died..

_**You're worried about dying? I thought you just said - **_

I'm more worried about the evil sea monkeys!

_They can't hurt you..._

But they CAN climb into my pants!

_**Edward can do that too.**_

Edwin.

_Ed Powers._

_**George Bush.**_

George's bush is white.

_**Oh, I know all about that, believe me ;)**_

_Ewww wrinkles. I'm glad I'll never have those. _

_**If I aged, I would so kill myself before I could get too ugly.**_

I know what you mean.

_**No you don't. I'm so misunderstood. -sobs-**_

* * *

**Reviews please? -sparkly eyes-**


	6. Brussel Sprouts & Knives

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer is awesome.**

* * *

Bella **Jacob**

Heyyy Jake! Happy birthday!

**It's not my birthday... Wait, I mean of course it is. Where's my present?**

Your present is a notes conversation with the coolest person ever; Bella!

**Right...**

Isn't this like the best birthday you've ever had?

**Well, considering it's not actually my birthday...**

Peesh. Hmm, there seems to be a bite taken out of the page.

**Oh, that was me. I got hungry -shrugs-**

Oh okay. I had a suspicion it was hobby of yours or something.

**Why would I have a hobby of eating paper?**

iono, you just seem like that type of person...

**Nahh, I prefer paste; it tastes like chicken.**

And what does paper taste like?

**I'm surprised you don't know. Well, I spose it tastes like brussel sprouts.**

Nooo, not brussel sprouts! They wanna kill me!

**Why would a vegetable want to kill you?**

Well, this one time they heard me saying how much I despise them. I couldn't cover their ears in time. And then this other time, I abused one with my fork then chucked it out the window while Renee wasn't looking.

**Oh... I see.**

And now they're trying to suffocate me with their green ickiness.

**Don't worry, I'll protect you.**

Noo, I don't need protection; I'm a wolf now too.

**How could you be a wolf?**

My pornstar name is Bella Marie Wolf.

**Pornstar?**

Yesss. I shall strip for the brussel sprouts and hope that makes it up to them.

**Ooh, can I watch?**

No, I was planning on stabbing your eyes out with a fork. Then possibly roast them on the campfire and eat them. Tastes like marshmallows.

**:o I think I should be scared now. Why would you do that..?**

I'm bored?

**Remind me not to let you get bored.**

Too late. -comes running at Jacob with fork-

**Bellaaaaa...**

AAH, MY EYES!

**Trust you to trip while holding a dangerous kitchen utensil.**

IMAGINARY dangerous kitchen utensil. But like come on, if I wanted to stab you in the eyes I'd use a butcher's knife.

**Okay, add 'don't let Bella near the knives in the kitchen' to the remind-Jacob-list.**

Yes Ma'am

**Bella I think you're confusing my gender... I'm a guy.**

But you have boobs!

**...**

And and you used to have long girl hair.

**... Okay are you done insulting my masculinity?**

Mkay sure. Don't let me get bored.

**I'm trying my hardest.**

Well, your hardest isn't good enough.

**Thanks..**

Let me near the knives in the kitchen!

**You got that reminder wrong, you forgot the 'don't'**

What? I wasn't reminding you. I want a knife.

**What for?**

I wanna eat it.

**Hey, me too.**

Oh okay, I'll bring you one too.

**No wait! I wasn't being serious...**

...One it is then.

**You can't eat a knife.**

Whatever happened to the saying 'nothing's impossible'?

**That saying died because it totally contradicts itself. It is impossible that nothing is impossible.**

No YOU contradict yourself.

**Uh, how so?**

Well first you say that you're lying then you say that you're telling the truth that you're lying. :s

**I never said anything like that...**

Oh. Must have been in my imagination then.

**You have a very vivid imagination, Bella.**

That's what the sea monkeys said, too!

**Sea monkeys?**

aaah, they're gonna eat you when you go cliff diving!

**Like... sea orang-utans?**

what? Orang-utans don't swim, silly.

**and apparently, neither do you...**

Whatever, who needs swimming? Swimming is for squares!

**I'm a square. Nice. What 2D shape does that make you?**

HOW DARE YOU SAY I'M A 2D SHAPE?

**uhhhh...**

What were we talking about again?

**Just read up.**

Nahh, can't be bothered. I believe it was orang-utans. Too bad none of them go to my school.

**School is for humans... And werewolves and your bloodsuckers. But that means no orang-utans.**

Are you saying that rangas aren't human?!

**Rangas?**

Yeah, you know. Those people that others always mistake for vampires cause they're so pale and shrivel in the sun?

**You mean people with red hair?**

They're called rangas, get it right. Goshhh.

**Uh. Why would you want rangas at your school?**

They're such fascinating creatures! Story has it that while in a fury their hair turns to fire and burns you!

**Surely after all that's happened you would have realised not to believe the myths?**

Well, it's not like I've been lucky enough to witness one first hand.

**Now you're the one making it sound like they're not human...**

Oh, they are much more than human. They are mythical creatures!

**Calling them mythical creatures makes out that they don't really exist.**

Well, who knows? And hey, that means you don't really exist either. You're a mythical creature :)

**Ah, I suppose...**

* * *

**I'm a mythical creature :) Review, even if it's to tell me to stop writing this random crap.**


	7. Longer Lasting Sex

**A/N: Hmm, keep in mind that this before they're married and have had sex. Lol, you've gotta love all those longer lasting sex ads. Well, there's heaps of them here in Sydney anyway.**

**Disclaimer: My name is Marli. :)**

* * *

Bella **Edward **Emmett _Rosalie_ _**Esme**_

Stupid radio, reminding me of what you won't give me.

**What are you talking about?**

There I am, sitting there in my truck listening to the radio when it starts asking me if I want longer lasting sex!

**Oh, that. I've heard Emmett wondering whether he should order some of the stuff it offers.**

And so then I go "yes, of course I want longer lasting sex! But my stupid vampire fiance doesn't wanna have sex OR make it longer lasting by making me immortal!"

**Bellaaa,**

And then I'm shaking my fist when I heard a THUD and then I realised I hit the window.

**Is your hand alright?**

I think it's broken. But anyway then there's another thud and I didn't know what it could be 'cause I'de stopped shaking my fist.

**We have to go see Carlisle!**

And I look down and see this pidgeon on the ground. It must have been trying to kill me! Lucky the glass was in the way.

**Everything seems to be trying to kill you...**

Yes, one of the wonderful parts of being a danger magnet.

**Wonderful?!**

Yep, it's pretty amusing, don't you agree?

**Definately not.**

Oh, I do!

**Emmett! -growls-**

So anyway, I'm wondering if Esme has any pidgeon recipes for humans, 'cause I brang the pidgeon home with me and was planning to cook it for dinner?

**Ew, you'll probably get sick from eating it.**

HAHAHAH

Recipes? Go get Esme.

**-sighs- okay.**

_**Yes, Bella, what is it darling?**_

Hey, where'd Edward go?

Esme, do you have any recipes to cook pidgeons?

_**Um, no, sorry, I can't say I do. I prefer 'em uncooked, for obvious reasons.**_

Darn, I spose I'll just have to eat it raw.

**... Have fun finding it first.**

Noooo, what did you do to Roger?

**Roger?**

Yes, I named him. What'd you do to him?

**I took him to a carnival. Sorry, he didn't leave you any cotton candy.**

Did he have fun?

**Uh, of course he did.**

Oh, well that's okay then.

**-sighs of relief-**

Wait, dead pidgeons can't eat cotton candy! What did you really do to him?

**Um I buried him somewhere.**

Aw what! I wasn't even there at his funeral :(

SHAME ON YOU!

Anyway, no one tell on my truck for killing Roger, k?

**Sure... Wait, if your truck went to jail I could buy you a new car!**

Truck jail?

Hehe, I went there once. I accidently ran through a school wall so then I disguised myself as a truck.

Attractive much?

Extremely. One other truck was hitting on me.

Only one?

Well, yeah. She killed any other truck that so much as looked at me. She was pretty big, so she'd run over them and squish them. It was pretty creepy.

And where was Rosalie when this happened?

Some day spa -shrugs-

**Typical.**

_Hey, I heard that. Well... saw that._

HIIII ROSE!

_Uh, what do you want?_

Do you want longer lasting sex?

_Not with you!_

...Do you want longer lasting sex?

_I have plenty long sex thank you. Unlike you, Emmett and I don't have to sleep ;)_

**I think she's talking about the fact that Emmett can't sustain an erection.**

_Hey, he can so!_

That's not what Mr Floppy says.

They're right. -is ashamed- I must be horrible in bed, I only last 3 hours.

**Haha, 3 hours.**

_No! You're the best I've ever had!_

Isn't that because he's the ONLY you've ever had?

_Shut up!_

Does my sex problem embarrass you?

_No! I love you, hard or otherwise._

Oh good, I'm glad. And so is Mr Floppy.

Uh, okay then... Awkward silence. I mean, awkward temporary lack of notes-writing.

**Yeah...**

So, Emmett, I liked your artwork in the school cafeteria.

Really?! You didn't think the 'L' guy was too old?

Nahh, his white beard was sexy.

I thought so too.

Yeah, well anyway, I noticed that half of the 'V' was missing.

Oh, I thought I could hear a heartbeat from one of those guys.

Uh, you did find him buried in a cemetry, right?

Nuh, he was in a coffin in the coffin shop on the way to school. I thought it was pretty convenient.

Wow, that is convenient.

**Emmett you idiot! Did he notice your vampire skills?**

Nuh, he was asleep. I 'spose those coffins are pretty comfy. But anyway, when I was in the cafeteria arranging the bodies he opened his eyes and was like "but mommmm, I don't wanna go to school today!" then he fell asleep again.

Well, you can't blame him for not wanting to go to school.

I 'spose not... It's similar to peoples' fears of prison and hell.

-triple shudder- But school's okay when Edward's there.

**Awh.**

...'Cause he does my work for me.

What! How come you won't do MY work for me, Edward?

**Oh, so is that what this is? You only like me 'cause I do your schoolwork?**

Yeah pretty much.

Haha, he's so angry that he squeezed his pen too tight and it broke!

Edwardddd, I was just kidding.

**Oh okay. Damn, now I have ink all over my hands.**

It smells like octopus ink.

Uh okay... I 'spose you play with octopussies often enough.

Yeah! I'm in the process of making an octopus farm at the moment.

Ooh, can I see?

**-reads Emmett's mind- Haha Emmett you're an idiot.**

I get that a lot. And yes Bella, come with me and I'll show you now.

Yay! Is there any tentacle rape?

No sorry.

* * *

Emmett, they're not octopuses!

Really?!

Yeah, they're daddy long leg spiders!

Oh. Well it's an honest mistake, with them having the same number of legs and what not.

But what about the octopus ink you were talking about?

Um well I accidently squished a few.

Haha!

**Hey Bella, I just remembered about your hand that you think is broken.**

OH yeah.

**Time to see Carlisle.**

Aw okay. Bye Emmett.

Cya later aligator. I mean wolf.


	8. Gorillas & Lifts

**A/N: Okay so pretty much what happens here is – Emmett is dressed in a gorilla suit to go sing screamo and random songs in the shopping centre to prove he is worthy to join team porn (as he was not cool enough to be automatically in it.) Some randoms appear, they don't have a particular font but you'll be able to tell.**

**Disclaimer: I don't think I need to have this at the beginning of every chapter-type thing, because you probably already get the point that I don't own Twilight or anything else really, apart from most of the random plot.**

**Also, I think you should also go and read my actual story '**_**Young Love**_**', though I haven't written much for it yet. Anyway, enjoy . And sorry for the long author's note.**

* * *

Bella **Edward **_Alice _Emmett

Weeeee!

_It goes up. It goes downnn!_

-chants- What are we on?!

**Ecstasy?**

_-ignores Ed Powers- A LIFT!_

**Why did you make Emmett change in the lift – while WE'RE IN IT?**

_Because this is Bigfoot's initiation ceremony. We need to observe him very closely._

**Bigfoot?**

-spooky voice- He has joineddd ussss.

_Plus there were no pornstars already existing called Emmett._

**Big-third-foot o.O**

This is true.

_And now he gets to... MOLEST CHILDREN! -evil grin- it's his dream come true!_

Ahh, I'm scarred for life now -shudder-

_Why..?_

I SAW HIS TWINKY.

**That was his arm...**

Oh, can I see YOUR arm, Edwin?

**Kay, I'll show you tonight.**

But I wanna see it now!

**Okay -pulls up sleeve-**

:o I'm speechless. It's beautiful.

_Shh, someone's coming. Let's hide._

Where's there to hide? The lift is full of mirrors.

_Let's hide behind EMMETT. No one will be brave enough to look behind some guy in a gorilla suit._

**And I can stand here and pretend to be a store mannequin.**

-is hiding-

/The lift goes 'ding' and the door opens to reveal a wide-eyed old lady carrying a suspicious looking ginger kitty. She enters the lift and the cat jumps out of her arms and begins to hump Edward's leg (but Edward keeps up his mannequin charade)/

Aww why don't I get to do that? -pouts-

_You're not hairy enough._

-sigh-

/The old lady then starts whacking Edward with her handbag while screaming, "Stop raping my cat!" She continues to do this until the lift doors reopen and she leaves, muttering something about buying herself some cat food./

Haven't they banned old people from buying pet food yet?

**No, but they really should. Her thoughts were pretty disturbing. The parts that were actually coherent thoughts were almost making me want to eat cat food -shudders-**

Aw why didn't we get her number? We could have secretly filmed her and her craziness and put it on youtube!

Damn why didn't I think of that? Wait, since when have you guys needed peoples' phone numbers... vampires, remember?

Woops, forgot. Anyway, I'm ready to go sing screamo in this gorilla suit.

_Excellent!_

**Aw, but I was just starting to like the lift...**

_Wait, checklist!_

Okay. Stockings?

_Check._

**Wait, why do we need stockings?**

To put on our head, duhhhh.

_Socks?_

Check.

**..?**

To shove down our pants!

**Uhh...**

_However, I don't think one will fit down your pants, Edward. ;)_

Waterguns?

_Checkk; my favourite!_

Emmett?

I'm here! Now let's go.

/They equip themselves with their protection and weapons and wait for the doors to open. They all then – except for Emmett – start rolling around on the ground (in a James Bond kind of way) until they find a trolley for transport. Alice and Bella sit in the trolley, stockings over their heads, while Edward pushes them. The three of them pretend they have never seen the retarded guy before that is in a gorilla suit, walking beside them and grunting. They earn many stares from the public. As they ride past people staring at them, Alice discreetly squirts their pants to make it look like they have peed themselves. They get incredibly caught up in this activity that they accidently drop the notes page and two random guys pick it up and begin writing./

Some Random #1: Hey, what's this?

Some Random #2: It appears that these freaks have been writing a vampire sex novel!

Some Random #1: Oh, my favourite!

Some Random #2: -is reading-

Some Random #1: Damn, I'm horny now. Let's go find my mother.

/Suddenly Edward steals the notes back.

"Hey, where did it go?" shouts random #1.

"Maybe it was all a part of our imagination," replies random #2.

"Well one thing that's definitely not part of my imagination is my horniness," says random #1./

_LOL, they have issues._

I don't think we can talk...

**Why, did the retarded kitty bite your tongue?**

Uh, yeah sure.

Okay I'm starting now.

_YAY!_

Quick, I need popcorn!

-starts singing scream and other random songs-

Is he saying 'my cock is much bigger than yours'?

**Yep, and that guy over there is seriously wondering whether he should come over and argue with that.**

Lol, that would be a site. Some random guy arguing with a gorilla about their penis size.

_I hear it happens all the time at the zoo._

Wow, Emmett's pretty good at screamo.

_Oh my Carlisle, people think he's busking and they're actually giving him money! A fair bit, too._

Haha, and that old guy over there is tapping his foot :o

**People are taking pictures. Sadly, this is a highlight of their dull lives.**

Well I suppose it's not every day that you see a singing gorilla in the shopping centre.

_Mmm, you only find them in zoos._

**And on American Idol auditions.**

You know, that actually sounds like a really good idea for team porn.

_We shall discuss it later. We have to watch Emmett!_

**That girl heard Emmett singing 'come eat some chemicals with me' and she thinks he's serious.**

Dumb blonde.

**Yeah, and she actually wants to eat chemicals with a gorilla.**

_Who wouldn't?_

**And the security guard would rather throw US out than the singing gorilla. In fact he kind of likes Emmett like this.**

Just because we have stockings over our heads... pfft.

* * *

**Oh yeah, I wrote this with izzy (xxiggi44)**

**The idea from this came from my brother & his friend. They are trying to buy a gorilla suit so they can go sing screamo in a shopping centre ;D**

**The 'My cock is much bigger than yours' is from Cigaro – System of a Down**

**And 'Come eat some chemicals with me' is from Chemicals – Scars on Broadway.**

**Oh, and there will be more stuff that they are doing in the shopping centre.**

**Sorry again for the end author's note, if you actually read it that is.**

**Remember to review!**


	9. Escalator

**I think you already get that I don't own Twilight or the many shows/music/whatever that I refer to. So yeah…**

* * *

Bella **Edward **_Alice _Emmett

_Muahahaha, we has escaped from the evil security guards._

**They were never actually going to do anything to us...**

Shh Edward, it's more fun this way.

**If you say so...**

TRIUMPH!

_Triumph to the max!_

Ugh the escalator hurts my ass. It's bumpy.

**Sit on me then.**

Hey I wonder if we can feed Emmett something that would make him grow into the size of a building.

_Then we could get him into the Guinness World Records!_

Yes, we could. But that's not what I was thinking.

Bella Marie Wolf, what is your evil master plan for me?

Well, if you get make a giant gorilla suit and then you become the size of King Kong, you can sing screamo so loud it will echo all over the world and all shall bow down to you and and –

**Bella, I think there's an easier way to do that.**

and team porn shall be in complete control!

**Bella...**

What? Oh, easier way. What is this easier way you speak of?

**Well, American Idol auditions are coming up in the next couple of weeks.**

But... I can't sing for shit

_But we can ;)_

Oh, another perfection of vampires.

**Not for Emmett though...**

Hey!

_He speaketh the truth._

It's not my fault the judges didn't like me...

**It might have helped if you weren't wearing a G-string at the time.**

Was this by any chance Rosalie's G-string?

Nope, it was Alice's.

_I still hate you for that..._

Hey, you were the one that stole my razor.

_Uh, that was MY razor._

Well, I needed to shave my bikini line so I could wear Rose's g-string but then you took the razor and yeah...

**Ew.**

_Emmett... you have issues._

Yes, you do indeed. But that's what makes you perfect for team porn!

Score! So I'm officially in then?

Yesssss.

_And then there were four._

Damn, that's not a large enough number for it to be an uber orgy.

_Can we invite Jaz-dizzle?_

Please no, he's starting to freak me out...

**Since when did you call Jasper Jaz-dizzle?**

_I dunno, since about 4am yesterday when I decided to embrace my inner _

_gangster._

Who would have known that you would be able to FIT any inner gangster in you?

_Shut up, we can't all be as tall and fat as a wrestler._

I'm not fat... -pouts-

But that old lady is!

**That's not fat, just wrinkles because god doesn't love her anymore 'cause she's old.**

Hey, isn't that the same old lady from the lift?

_It appears she likes the alternative to stairs!_

**And so do her cats...**

Does my butt look big in this?

_Your butt always looks big._

-cries- I'm so fat. No wonder I break the bed when me and Rose have sex.

Umm, this is awkward now...

_I believe that's called a TIAN._

Huh?

_This is awkward now._

Um, okay.

I have an evil plan.

Ooh ooh, do tell.

Well, what if we eat that old lady's hat?

_How exactly is that evil?_

Well, if her hat's gone, everyone else would be able to see her face better. Her ugly ugly face -shudders-

But then that affects us in a negative way...

_Yeah, I don't wanna have to look at her wrinkled old face!_

Eugh, reminds me of lemons. They're so sour!

Well maybe we could just push her down the rest of the escalator so no one ever has to see her face again!

**Um, I don't think you want to be the one responsible for her death.**

Well still it was a nice fantasy.. -sigh- 

**You are aware she is right behind us and is capable of reading this from the short distance away, aren't you?**

Silly, everyone knows old people can't read without glasses!

_Can we just push Emmett down the escalator now and pretend it was the old lady?_

That's actually a good idea...

Hey!

But then you can 'get hurt' and we can sue her and get lots of money. It can be the beginning of our world domination fund.

She'd probably pay us in cat food or something though...

**Bella we have plenty of money ourselves to put into a fund if you want.**

No. We have to earn our money.

_Yes, because falsely suing someone is 'earning' money_

You see what I mean?

...I don't want cat food

**Yes you do.**

Like seriously, we could make everyone eat the cat food once we have taken over their minds!

Cat food will just make me fatter :(

**Not necessarily. It didn't make the old lady fat.**

Wow, we finally got to the bottom of the escalator.

_Quick, let's go back up!_

I'm right ahead of you –

_No you're not._

Damn vampire speed.

Is that a drug or something?

Uh no. You know, you can be really stupid sometimes Emmett...

Was it something I said?

Well duh.

_Hey, I think the old lady's following us._

What makes you think that?

**There's a cat on my head...**

Isn't there always?

**Um, no.**

_Can we just throw Emmett down the stairs now?_

**Go ahead.**

/But before Alice can push Emmett, he somehow accidently stumbles and falls anyway. He knocks over the old lady who is indeed following them. The cat on Edward's head jumps off to assist the other cats in attacking Emmett. The cats are confused when they scratch Emmett and don't break any skin, so they immediately realise he is a vampire. Edward hears these thoughts and quickly kills them before they can tell anyone. The old lady suffers a heart attack and dies when she sees her only friends die.

"Oops," Edward and Emmett both mumble at the same time. Then they start laughing because they said it at the same time and the old lady lives happily ever after in hell./

* * *

**Okay well, I thought that old lady with the cats should die 'cause I don't like old people. No offence meant – for any reason.  
****I'm watching Australian Idol right now, and in the auditions it was funny cause there was this freaky guy that was singing and then he goes in screamo "I speaketh the truth"  
****And his name was Jasper Anthony-Challin. Sounded close enough to Cullen so I was like WOWZOMG. Yeah anyway…**


	10. Bloodsicles

**A/N: Okay, so I haven't updated in ages. I totally forgot about fanfiction altogether. So, I decided to put some stuff about Chuck Norris, because he is totally awesome. Lots of references to Chuck Norris Facts.**

* * *

Bella Emmett _Alice _**Edward **_**Jasper **__Rosalie_

I'm hungry.

Me too. –stares at bella-

_popsicles!_

I agree.

_what a weird word._

I has an idea!

_Wow, that's unexpected._

Are you saying I'm stupid?

_Yeah, pretty much._

-sob-

...tell us your idea, Emmett.

Bloodsicles!

Huh?

Care to contribute, dearest Bella?

Ummm, no, not really. I like it when my blood is kept INSIDE my body, thanks.

But if you keep all that blood in your body, someday you'll explode! It's a proven fact.

_Uh, yeah! I saw it on the news this mroing!_

_Come on Bella, it's time you did something useful for this family._

-is scared-

_**I can taste your fear.**_

_-licks Jasper-, I can taste it too. Tastes like cherry chapstick._

_**Oh, don't go all lesbo on me now... My life is bad enough already.**_

**Emmett! Stop oh-so-subtly nudging that knife towards Bella.**

Oh, sorry, I didn't realise I was doing it. I guess my sub-conscious and hungry mind was taking over my hand movements.

**You know you can't lie to me...**

-shrugs- I can try! 

**Uh, no, not really.**

_Let me re-phrase that for him. He can try, and he can fail._

Kind of like escaping from Chuck Norris.

He's my herooooooo. He's so sexy.

_I think we, being awesome vampires, can escape Chuck Norris._

Don't even say that. He'll hear you!

Alice, don't you know; Chuck Norris is never wrong. So when the question is 'Who can Alice not escape from?' the answer will be Chuck Norris, because he said so.

The answer is ALWAYS Chuck Norris. Like; 'Who would Emmett turn gay for?' Chuck Norris.

**Who is sexier than Emmett? Chuck Norris.**

_Who has a bigger penis than Emmett? Chuck Norris. Hands down. Pun intended._

Hey, stop ganging up on me –sob-

But it's true. His penis is the size of a baby whale. When he was born the doctors thought he had three legs.

_E=mc^2? Wrong. E = Chuck Norris._

It's true. I hear he's good in bed. Pure ecstasy. He's amazing.

_And he's almost 69._

That's one of the things I'll miss about being a vampire. I'll never be 69. I'll never be as old as Chuck Norris.

_**That's a depressing thought. OH MY GOD, Chuck Norris will die sometime in the next few decades. I don't think I can live without him.**_

Me either. I'm in love with him.

_**-swoon-**_

_Hey!_

Pfft. Well, I'm still hungry. Bee are bee.

**That's Emmett-talk for 'be right back'**

Where'd he go?

**You'll see. He's hungry.**

Is he hiding from Chuck Norris, like Waldo?

**no..**

Well, he should be. By the way Jasper, you'd better watch out. Chuck Norris eats emo children.

_**I'm not a child.**_

Well stop being such a cry-baby then, and maybe he won't eat you. But, maybe it's best if he does eat you, because his stomach is the only place you're safe from his fists.

**An unable-to-cry cry-baby.**

Hey, maybe he can roundhouse kick the depression out of Jasper.

_Well, Chuck Norris CAN do everything..._

Did I just hear a toilet flush?

_Yep._

Um, why?

I wanted to announce my return.

Ugh, you're getting blood on the paper. I think I'm gonna faint.

_I'll get the popsicle containers._

Yaaaaay. –is excited-

Why couldn't you suck that deer dry like a normal vegetarian vampire?

This is just so much more fun! I get to feel like a little kid!

Don't you ALWAYS feel like a little kid?

Are you saying I'm immature?

_You are._

I'm a man now... –sobs-

**So, now we wait for the blood to freeze.**

Don't you have some sort of vampire power that makes it freeze faster?

No –sigh-

_I bet Chuck Norris could freeze our bloodsicles if he were here._

_**He could also pop my bubble.**_

He could inspect my weapon.

_**He could pick my apple.**_

_Okay, we get it. You guys wanna fuck Chuck Norris, and he can do anything._

Not just anything. Everything. All at once.

And he eats babies!

_How totally epic of him!_

I swear, they could make a movie out of him sleeping for 2 hours, and it would be one of the most interesting movies ever.

_Apart from, of course, all the other movies he's been in._

Chuck Norris isn't in movies. The movies are in Chuck Norris.

Agreed.

/a few hours later/

There's a hair in my popsicle!

_It'll be okay. Just pretend it's Chuck Norris' hair._

But I know it's not. Chuck Norris hair has the best taste ever. Experiencing it is better than sex.

_Um, I think I'll stick with sex._

Hey Bella, you want one?

NOOOO! –faints-


End file.
